Someone's been busy in the kitchen, and her name is Phyntosia. She seems to have come up with her own recipe for disaster (to quench an appetite for destruction, maybe?). She's a recent addition to diaryland, but from the stuff that was thrown into her crock pot, it seems she's no stranger to FrontPage and Microsoft Paint. Tools of her trade. Free of those nasty preservatives, such as JavaScript, Dreamweaver, or writing classes. In case you're wondering what her secret is, here's the recipe:

1 c. of image maps
1 tsp. of scrolling marquees
2 1/2 lbs. of naiveté
1/4 Tbs. of bad humor
3,000 L. of awful
Add all together, throw it on a webpage, and think you're the cutest thing since Garfield. Sprinkle with boredom to taste.

The problem isn't the fact that it's "homemade." I commend folks who design their own page. But I'd rather see a borrowed layout than something that even Derrida couldn't create some bullshit essay in order to explain. I can't even figure out Phyntosia's age. Okay, I know she said she's 18, but the page would suggest she's 12. And since she may or may not have been exposed to "sex", I feel a bit better that someone isn't out drugging the kid's Kool-Aid. The kind with sugar added. Too much sugar.

With her beginner's recipe, Phyntosia searches for a cookbook to publish her. You know, some people submit their diaries for review before they even work on what they have on their hands. This diary happens to be my prime example. In an effort to nestle into D-land, Phyntosia seems to have submitted her site to every diary review place she can find. Perhaps if she had written some more entries prior to spreading herself out, there might be something to critique. Well, I meant good stuff to critique. Betsy Crocker doesn't add junk to their books, you know? But hey, I'm getting off track.

Looking at this site, and the many eyes on it, I remind myself to eat my carrots and not to forget my optometrist appointment. Then I remember that I don't have an appointment, or an optometrist, and that I hate carrots. "Hmm, maybe I should get me an appointment somewhere. I feel myself squinting when I read her site." Nope. My eyes are fine. Ladies and gentlemen, put down the carrots and do not adjust your vision or your monitors-- that layout really is fuzzy. And it's also about 1,200 of those 3,000 liters of awful I mentioned earlier. Want to see the rest of the liters in action? Pick a page. Any page. Except the guestbook-- that uses a built-in template. May I recommend the "about me" page? It features the super-fun happy rainbows. (Added bonus: It's hosted by another diary! Whee!) Plus, it won't make you think you're color-blind.

Since her diary does exist, I am trying to look for a good point, but seeing as there weren't many to catch by the untrained eye(s), I have to leave the best part for my "upper." I will, however, recommend her entry "Am i a hypocrite? :(". Why? Um, not sure. Just read the part about keeping her diary a secret from her real-life friends. Also, check out her anti-porn entry and then e-mail her to tell her what she's missing. *wink wink*

Ugh, all this freshness is making my stomach uneasy. I better go find something fattening to read....