Dissenters, naysayers, chronic whiners! Lend me your ears! I come to praise Lhsbarbie, not to bury her!

Yes. Yes! You heard. I give in, concede, submit. My king is tapped over, my arms cast at your feet, and a lone towel wafts gently to the still arena floor. My iron fist shall evermore be swathed in velvet glove- no more the Draconian measures, no more the scourge of God, no more the lurid and imaginative verbal abuse! A star hath set, a star hath risen! Henceforth, I purpose only to be the bearer of excellent tidings, the muffler of evil omen, and the chronicle of articles of only middling import. It is in this new stance, then, that I turn my watchful gaze upon Lhsbarbie, with one auspicious, and one closed eye.

Well. It's... It's a typical teenage girl's diary, really. Oops! Did I say 'typical'? I meant 'paradigmatic'. (He is nudged from off-screen. Urgent whispers can be heard.) Eh? Yes, I know it has five syllables in it... Well, I just thought it sounded a little more positive than 'typical'... Yes, I realise that 'good' would represent a syllable-to-output efficiency increase of up to 80%, but it wouldn't really be true... Well, it matters to me... Tell you what, why don't I just accentuate the positives?... Ac-cent-tu-ate. That's only four... Okay. That's what I'll do, then.

I remember, months back, my first introduction to Lhsbarbie's diary was when Mr. Cadbury listed her as a favourite- and, to her credit, her diary is better now than the unpresentable pile of lumpy and congealed instant mashed potato it was then... (More whispers.) No, but I'm saying it used to be really bad... It hasn't really got much better, it's still the same old formulaic routine of self-display and petty grievances, only with slightly better spelling, but I don't need to tell them that, do I?... What do you mean, "not in line with current party thinking"? What the...

(The image of Guildenstern is replaced by another, apparently pre-recorded one. His voice now has a hint of a Ukrainian accent, and bellows over the footage with apparent independence from his lip movements.)

Readers of Marked Accordingly! This is your leader, Guildenstein, speaking. They are treating me well here- so well that I have decided to hand over the reins of Marked Accordingly to your comrade and mine, Boris Mikhailitchenko. Now, I want you to treat Mr. Mikhailitchenko with the same respect and unswerving dedication as you would treat me, regardless of how counterintuitive and ostensibly suicidal his commands may appear to be. This is Guildernstein, your leader, signing out.

(The image continues to move after the voice has ceased, then flickers and fades, leaving only a plaintive Scottish voice, emerging as if from a mineshaft.)

Hey.... I don't remember saying that....