Now, there's nothing I like more than to lend a hand to the ailing economy of my native Scotland. Why, only the other day, when I heard that 'What Everyone Wants' was in dire financial straits, I ordered Jeeves straight to the Hamilton branch of that veritable institution of bargain basement shopping, and had him buy a couple of the most expensive pillowcases available. This influx of cash ensured that bankruptcy was narrowly averted, and that quality clothing at remarkably reasonable prices would remain available to middle-aged housewives everywhere. So, when ScotRail, my local rail subsidiary, asked me to appear as the guest of honour at their fund-raising dinner, I rather reluctantly agreed. After all, public transport is something I find it rather difficult to support: people who are too poor to afford chauffeurs should be confined to the ghettoes where they belong, and not allowed to spread their influence nationwide thanks to Day Tripper Saver Tickets. In the interests of public spirit, however, I agreed to put in an appearance at this dinner. I was somewhat astonished when the organisers of said event proceeded to demand of me forty pounds sterling for my ticket. Not since the infamous scenes at the Duke of Luxembourg's chateaux during the Great Depression of '84 had any host had the audacity to request payment of me in exchange for an invitation! I explained that I did not carry such petty cash on my person, and had Jeeves write them a cheque instead. And, just to show them how disgusted I was at their behaviour, I ordered him NOT to use the cheques with the embossed waterprint font.

I regret to inform you that this was only the beginning of a sorry, sorry show from ScotRail and its employees. Upon my arrival at the event in question (in the old Ford Fiesta, of course: I had thought it might be deemed insensitive to take the Rolls in full view of all these omnibus-using commoners) I was horrified to find that I was expected to use the SAME DOOR as all the plebs! I strode irritably to the door, and to a blue-jacket wearing ScotRail employee who was standing outside the aforementioned entrance. Thankfully, my lawyer, Donald Findlay QC, was able to acquire a video-recording of our exchange from a CCTV camera just yards away.

Me: "Excuse me, my good man, but haven't you ever heard of the concept of the Tradesman's Entrance?"

Blue-Jacketed Buffoon: "You what?"

Me: "Am I expected to enter along with, and thus mingle with, these commoners?"

Blue-Jacketed Buffoon: "If you want to upgrade your ticket to 1st Class, it'll cost you another 18 quid."

Me: "Now look here! The point of the class system is to divide the population not on the basis of finance but on the basis of breeding and social status! Otherwise we'd have all those DREADFUL Lottery winners attending our riding parties and making fools of themselves with their vulgar antics."

Blue-Jacketed Buffoon: "Can I see your ticket?"

Me: "Yes, here it is. I say, it's come to a pretty nasty pass when appropriate steps aren't being taken to seperate the 'nouveau-riche' from the legitimate upper-classes......"

Blue-Jacketed Buffoon: "May I see your ticket?"

Me: "You've already seen it."

Blue-Jacketed Buffoon: "Ticket please!"

Me: "But I've already shown you it! Just ten seconds ago! You can't possibly have forgotten already!"

Blue-Jacketed Buffoon: "Ticket PLEASE."

Me: "But I've already put it back in my wallet! In order to show you my ticket, I'll have to go through the time-wasting process of retrieving my wallet from my breast pocket, and then retrieving from IT my ticket!"

Blue-Jacketed Buffoon: "TICKET PLEASE."

Me: "Oh, alright.... Here it is. Happy now?"

Blue-Jacketed Buffoon: (After scrutinising it closely for several minutes.) "That's fine."

Me: "NOW may I enter?"

Blue-Jacketed Buffoon: (Almost inaudibly.) "ThisisapublicserviceannouncementbyScotRailmumblemumblemeemeemawmawmawrhubarbrhubarbSCREECH!"

Me: "What?!"

Blue-Jacketed Buffoon: "ScotRail wishes to advise customers that the ScotRail Fund-Raising Christmas Dinner will be 4 minutes late. ScotRail can only apologise to customers for this delay, and for any inconvenience this delay may cause."

Me: "4 minutes? Well, I suppose that's NOT so bad....."

Blue-Jacketed Buffoon: "ScotRail wishes to advise customers that the ScotRail Fund-Raising Christmas Dinner will be 7 minutes late. ScotRail can only apologise to customers for this delay, and for any inconvenience this delay may cause."

Me: "7 minutes late? Now, I say, that's a TAD inconvenient!"

Blue-Jacketed Buffoon: "ScotRail wishes to advise customers that the ScotRail Fund-Raising Christmas Dinner will be 13 minutes late. ScotRail can only apologise to customers for this delay, and for any inconvenience this delay may cause."

Me: "But only 30 seconds ago the delay was only 4 minutes! How can it have beco......"

Blue-Jacketed Buffoon: "ScotRail wishes to advise customers that the ScotRail Fund-Raising Christmas Dinner will be 22 minutes late. ScotRail can only apologise to customers for this delay, and for any inconvenience this delay may cause."

Me: "Oh, sod this. I'm not waiting for 22 minutes! I'm leaving."

Blue-Jacketed Buffoon: "ScotRail wishes to advise customers that the ScotRail Fund-Raising Christmas Dinner will be 14 minutes late. ScotRail can only apologise to customers for this delay, and for any inconvenience this delay may cause."

Me: "14 minutes..... Well, I suppose I can wait that long." (13 minutes pass.)

Blue-Jacketed Buffoon: "ScotRail wishes to advise customers that, due to line-failure in the Motherwell area, the ScotRail Fund-Raising Christmas Dinner has been cancelled. ScotRail can only apologise to customers for any inconvenience this may cause."

Me: "What!?? But I've been waiting here for quarter-of-an-hour! This is an outrage!"

Blue-Jacketed Buffoon: "Customers who wish to inquire about ticket refunds should mumblemumblemeemeemawmawrhubarbrhubarbSCREECH immediately."

Me: "I beg your pardon!?"

Blue-Jacketed Buffoon: "The next service departing from Platform One will be the twelve-fourteen service from Dalmuir, calling at all stations via Glasgow Central, Blantyre and Motherwell."

Me: "BASTARDS!! How can you, with ANY clear conscience, take the hard-earned inheritances of people like me without providing ANY sort of guarantee that your services will be as efficient as they needs must be?! What use are your apologies to ME when your ineptitude consistently ensures that I shall be more than fashionably late for every engagement I make outside the boundaries of Hamilton? And, above all, why must you constantly cower behind a shield of faceless, blue-jacket wearing employees, allowing them to take all the flak and make all the apologies that should rightly be YOURS to make! Why, for the love of GOD, why? What have you got to say in your defence?"

Blue-Jacketed Buffoon: "ScotRail wishes to advise passengers that the twelve-fourteen service from Dalmuir will be approximately 14 minutes late. ScotRail can only apologise to passengers for this delay, and for any inconvenience this delay may cause."