Recently, I had the undoubted pleasure of bumping into a generic acquaintance of mine at a wine-tasting meeting. What follows is an extract from our conversation.

Me: "So, Generic Acquaintance, have you looked at my website recently?"

Generic Acquaintance: "Why no, my good Mister Clark! Have you updated it?"

Me: "Well, no. But I DO have an idea which will doubtless prove both hilariously amusing to my visitors and a welcome source of catharsis to my good self."

Generic Acquaintance: "Indeed? Do tell!"

Me: "Well, I thought I'd make a section of my website called 'Thomas Clark's Anti-Society Pages', but instead of having all the stuff you normally have on society pages, I'd make it a series of biting and derogatory commentaries on those elements of society who most frustrate and infuriate me. (There is a pause.) You don't, in fact, know what I'm talking about, do you?"

Generic Acquaintance: "I must confess that you have me at a loss, my dear fellow."

Me: "Would this, perchance, be because you don't know what society pages are, never having heard of such things previous to this conversation?"

Generic Acquaintance: "Why, I believe you've hit on it precisely, my good chap!"

Me: "Hmmm. And no doubt you expect me to waste my time explaining to you what society pages are, just so that you'll 'get' the joke?"

Generic Acquaintance: "If you'll be so obliging!"

Me: "So, not only have I to spend hours on end exercising my massive intellect and wit simply to entertain YOU, the average consumer, but I ALSO have to provide annotated notes on my own work, just to make sure that everyone 'gets it'."

Generic Acquaintance: "My good Mister Clark, I'm sure you needn't go to su........."

Me: "I mean, fuck sake, it's not as if it's even that complicated! I could maybe understand if you didn't get my jokes about Existentialist angst, or Derrida's theories of language, or the Aristotelian model of theatre, but SOCIETY PAGES? Could any concept BE more simple?!"

Generic Acquaintance: "Could you please refrain from raising your voice, Mister Clark? Mrs. Generic Acquaintance just had her........."

Me: "It's not asking for much, is it, some basic level of intelligence and general knowledge amongst the people who come to look at my website? I mean, I TRY to treat you all like you're my equals or something, but what the fuck's the point if none of you know ANYTHING? It's like I spend HOURS on end working away on my latest piece, shaping it, lovingly crafting it, filling it with classical allusions and startling imagery, producing a veritable masterpiece, a landmark in both Scottish literary tradition AND website design, only for some random stumblebum like you to come along and go 'Aw, but I don't GET it! It must be shite.', and wander off again into OBSCURITY, blissfully unaware of your own INCREDIBLE ignorance!!!! Fuck, now I know how James Joyce felt when he wrote 'Ulysses'!"

Generic Acquaintance: "I'm sorry, who's James Joyce?"

Me: "Right, that's it, you're dead."